The food was delicious, yet there was something strange in the air. Our mood felt comfortable, almost familiar, but there was also an undercurrent of tension that had nothing to do with the erotic tension that often builds up during a dinner date.
In our email exchanges, he had mentioned a ‘special wish’ and had expressed a desire for ‘time alone together’ after dinner. Yet when I tried to find out more about this wish, he evaded my questions. Of course, it is not unusual for someone to prefer talking about their work or world affairs over dinner, rather than more intimate topics, even though the latter can sometimes be a wonderful foreplay. However, it was almost as if he had a secret he did not dare to reveal.
A special wish
We fully enjoyed each serving of the seven-course meal, deep in conversation. The bill arrived, the kitchen closed and the other guests gradually left. Only the two of us were still seated. He stretched that moment almost unbearably.
“Would you like to go to the bar next door, or shall we make out way upstairs?” I finally asked as the last tables around us were being cleared. “Yes, of course, let’s go up,” he replied, jumping hastily to his feet.
In the elevator he fell silent and did not even look at me. His shoulders looked so tense, I wished I could massage them right there and then. I followed him into the hotel room and as soon as the door closed, he turned to me and asked, almost pleadingly.
“Juliette, would it be all right with you if I kept my clothes on?”
I could see he was trembling. I took his hand and sat down with him on the sofa.
“It’s just that, I’ve never…” he began, then fell silent again. He stared awkwardly at the floor, unable to find the words.
“You mean you’ve never booked someone like me, or you’ve never been intimate with a woman?” I asked, trying to help him.
“The second one,” he said, looking away.
“Have you ever kissed a woman?” I asked gently.
He shook his head. “I’m still a virgin. At 54.”
We both took a deep breath. Now it was finally out. He had finally voiced the cause of the underlying tension during dinner.
“So now you know,” he sighed with resignation.
I was relieved; now we could talk about what he really wanted to experience tonight. I took him in my arms and the whole story poured out of him—how it happened that he didn’t have his first encounters like the other boys in his class. He told me how he became more and more insecure and, above all, how his shame became ever greater as the years went by.
“What woman would want to date a man with no sexual experience?” he finally asked. “How am I ever going to meet anyone? I can’t tell her I’m still a virgin.”
Adult virgins
I always feel a special empathy and connection in moments like these. I myself was a late starter and I was the last virgin among my friends—for quite some time. As a passionate chess player, I spent my weekends at chess tournaments, where I played against boys who were even bigger nerds than I was. Aside from that, I hid my shyness behind competitive sport, where I excelled at cross-country running and high jump. Exceptionally long-legged, I perfected the so-called ‘Fosbury Flop’, a technique I can still demonstrate today on a soft hotel bed.
These days, the topic of ‘adult virgins’ is much better known. ‘Absolute beginners’ is the term used to describe men and women who have either no sexual experience at all or very little. They are often aged between 40 and 60 when they finally speak out about it. I have had the privilege of supporting many ‘absolute beginners’ in my work as a sex and intimacy coach and they occasionally appear as guests on talk shows or serve as inspiration for films. The touching film ‘Good Luck to You, Leo Grand’ by Sophie Hyde, for example, tells the story of a retired teacher who books a male escort to expand her virtually non-existent sexual experience.
Long way to Happy End
Of course, life is not a film where the ultimate ‘happy ending’ shows the person experiencing self-empowerment and sexual fulfilment. Nevertheless, there are people who are brave enough to seek support. There are also some who book a hetaera to take their first steps in a more protected setting with an experienced woman.
However, there are also many men who don’t dare to book a sex worker. Especially they see such beautiful women on the photos, they feel they would have to perform particularly well and this only intensifies their fear of failure. The reality, however, is quite different, as I recently found out at our regular Hetaera get-together.
When we meet to chat, we maintain discretion, not mentioning names or specific details about our clients. We do, however, share our own personal experiences and the conversation happened to turn to male virgins when I mentioned that working with them is a special focus of my sex and intimacy coaching.
“I’ve also had a date with a male virgin,” said one of my colleagues.
“Me too, it was absolutely beautiful, so tender and gentle,” said another, her eyes sparkling.
Surprisingly, many of the hetaeras had an experience to share.
“I have a client I meet regularly and we’ve never had sex. We haven’t even touched or kissed. We usually go out for a meal and sometimes to the theatre. At some point, he confided in me that he was still a virgin,” a colleague told me. “I think he just needs to take his time.”
I saw their shining eyes, their openness and warmth, how touched they were. Many of the hetaeras felt it was an honour to be able to gift this ‘first time’ to someone. There was admiration for the virgins’ courage and a very joyful mood at our table. I wished the ‘Absolute Beginners’ could hear this conversation when they doubt if we would want to meet them.
High expectations
A Hetaera date is a special kind of date where we can let go of expectations. We truly enjoy the encounter, the time spent together, the sensuality of the date, free from any pressure to perform. Personally, I very much appreciate being able to simply be myself and to fully immerse myself in the moment. This also applies to dates with ‘Absolute Beginners’, which are equally special. Adult virgins often feel the need to make up for the part of their youth they missed out on. I can empathise with that, and I perceive it as very nourishing to be slow-dancing as adults, locked in a close embrace in a hotel room, even when the dance is rather clumsy and out of step. I also find the permission to fail and laugh about it, especially during sex, very liberating. Or the decision to take things slowly, to savour each moment, step by step. I find it very romantic when not everything happens on the first date.
Taking it slow was my date’s ‘special request’, which he finally confided in me. He wanted us to get to know each other gradually, over the course of several dates. Just like teenage dating, starting with a first kiss. He wished to go to the cinema with me and put his arm around me whilst we ate popcorn… or perhaps dare to put his hand on my leg. In the age of app dating and instant sex, I found his idea very appealing.
This evening was dedicated to our first kiss, and we celebrated it. We stood on the balcony with our drinks, gazing up at the night sky over Berlin. He was behind me, and I could feel him slowly drawing closer, little by little. His first touch was as light as a feather. He let a finger slide down my back and the sensation was electrifying through the thin fabric of my silk dress. For a moment, we both held our breath. Very slowly, almost imperceptibly, I turned towards him. His hand gently traced my arm, giving me a delicious shiver. I looked at him and smiled.
“I’m ready,” he said with a mixture of mischief and anticipation.
Our lips touched. Our tongues entwined and there was nothing he needed to learn; it was the most natural thing in the world. I don’t know if the kiss lasted a moment that felt like an eternity, or if it lasted an eternity whilst time stood still. It simply felt wonderful. When we re-surfaced, he looked calm and happy.
“Thank you,” he said earnestly. “That meant a lot to me.”
Later, he showed his mischievous side again. At the end of the evening, just as we were about to say goodbye, he paused for a moment.
“Juliette, there’s one more thing I’d like to experience today.”
I looked surprised, but then he gave me a naughty smile.
“Would you mind demonstrating your ‘Fosbury Flop’ before we go our separate ways?” he asked politely, and so it happened that the evening ended with me lying on my back laughing, after a successful leap and landing.